Category: ramblings Page 5 of 6

On December 23, 2019

I was retelling a story the other night, which I’m going to share here today. The names will be changed to protect the guilty of course. No graphic warnings needed as there will be no photos associated with this post.

The following true events recounted as told to me by Carlj:

Carlj: About 30 years ago Ceej, I had a relationship that I considered very loving and good. The highs were amazing and the lows sometimes devastating. Overall, the chemistry was great. At least until a few “turning points”. I didn’t even know what turning points were until 30 plus years later. By then the damage to the relationship had already occurred.

And unknown to me as well, I had the power to change the events for the better. Did I? Did I even try? Nope. In fact, I doubled down on my spoken thoughts and concerns. OK, I get it, you’re asking me to get to the point? Or turning point in this case…

My girl Nancy called me in the wee hours of the morning, during the middle of the week and said, “Come over and service me, right now. You’re my man and I need you”

WOW! Any normal male wouldn’t even take the time to gracefully hangup the phone. To be sure, I was a normal male, but something prompted me to say, “I have work in the morning. Are you crazy?” Or something to that effect.

Fast forward to the second event. Nancy, was in a small fender bender one evening coming back from a clandestine meeting with another man. Did I know about it? Not at the time. But still, who did she call? Me. Crying and upset she reached out to me. Once again I was in bed and said, “I have work in the morning. Glad you’re OK. Talk later”

Two attempts at making a solid connection. Two attempts refused. What could I have done differently? The first attempt I could have explained myself better “I have work in the morning. I love that you continue to bring the wolf out in me, you’re offer is so tempting! Could we take a rain check for tomorrow evening? Nothing would make me happier than to service my woman”

Second attempt: “I have to work in the morning. Can the car be driven? Do you need a tow truck or a ride? I am so glad you weren’t hurt, darling. Please call me after you know more…love you”

Even though the second attempt sounds better, the correct thing would have been to go there. Accidents/deaths/sadness are somethings you share with a loved one to lessen the impact and get comfort from. And I failed both attempts at a loving connection.

The damage had been done and events were set into motion that ended our relationship. And they continued to pile on. It was easier to double down adding new reasons as well, than to back up and rethink it all. Just one moment in time, where if I had really listened, might have changed the dynamics of our relationship completely.

So Ceej, I know you’re curious and want to ask, if I could go back in time and change my actions to obtain a better outcome, would I?

Ceej: You are not only wise and fascinating Carlj, but also a mind reader?

Carlj: LOL. You’re funny Ceej. But no. Not a mind reader. To be sure, I would not change anything. It pains me to say that. The lessons learned are more important to me now that I understand them. Even if it took thirty years or more. This “turning point” was huge and not hidden from sight at the time and yet, I couldn’t see it much less understand it. Time teaches.

Ceej: Well, thank you for being here Carlj, that’s all the time we have on this blog, so join us next time for:

“the intensity of life”

terror has a new name

On December 22, 2019

Got a Belgium Malinois puppy a few days ago. A more appropriate name would be Belgium Monster Puppy. From the dark lagoon. Evil with a capital L. The sheer energy of the pup would power the Worlds Fair in Chicago. Who needs Tesla? I have a BMP.

Since the little girl never stops moving or chewing or jumping or biting, I have been learning the hard way that she is training me to behave. Who knew? Once again my geriatric pups warned me but alas I didn’t listen.

Well, the rain finally came. A little too late for me to have the fireplace going this evening. Perhaps tomorrow? I managed to rain proof whatever I could, before cooking a huge pot of shrimp and veggie soup. The BMP has discovered the doggie door and has gone through it about 10 times in the last five minutes. Probably wondering if it’s like the Lost Room mini series where going through a door using a special key takes you anywhere.

There are no words of wisdom tonight. No clever thoughts. No major epiphanies. Just the same questions I’ve had for the last few days. Will the new season of Lost In Space be as good as the first? Does Dr. Smith shop on Amazon for evil gadgets to mess with the Robinson’s? Are square wheels really round wheels that are missing a circumference? Will I sell my house and move out of state?

Stay tuned for “As the Puppy Bites” or “One Carl Flew over the Malinois Nest”

factors and turning points

On December 22, 2019

Roads. What are roads? Are they physical pathways that move object A to point B? Are they a physicists dissertation on the nuances of free neutrons and the directions the neutrons travel? OR can they be emotional or mental pathways a moment can take at any given point in time? Are there factors that determine the direction of travel?

I’ve been reading somewhat haphazardly, “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Not the religious story or even the short lived series about the end of the world. This story is not a story at all. It’s a way to prevent putting your worst foot forward in any relationship you have. John Gottman has been researching relationships and has come to some very helpful conclusions and insights. Along with the Four Horsemen which are: Criticism, Contempt, Defensivesness and Stonewalling, he also brings up the following:

Turning Towards – Turning Against – Turning Away. He calls them “Bids”. Now I’m not going to get into the specific details of the above. Perhaps after reading this, a quick internet search will explain much better than I can. What brings me to even write about this, being the avid researcher that I am, is I tend to condense and simplify.

The concepts seem very sound and based on good data. What I feel and intuitively grasp, is something a little less intense then the above. But, more to the point for at least, me. I like to think of the above as “Turning Points”. Yep, lump them all together under one big umbrella, and maybe I said umbrella because it’s going to start raining here in a few hours…(smile) Most likely it’s my subconscious mind always trying to get a leg up and be heard.

Because of the impending rain and various chores coming up, I will write about them later, after filling up my fireplace with logs for the long rains ahead. All the while sipping on a warm cuppa of tea.

the little things

On December 19, 2019

The little things can be big things in life. There’s an old joke that goes something like this:

How much dirt is there in a hole 3ft wide by 3ft long by 3ft deep?

Yo, there’s no dirt in a hole.

Trying hard to understand life with all the implications and unknowable outcomes can fry even the largest of brains. Think of the missing dirt as a life that’s been lived. As there’s no dirt in the hole, since it’s already been dug, the obvious retort would be “well, fill it back up then…” or “dig another one”. And that brings us to today’s post.

I used to get tired. I mean really tired. So tired I would fall asleep next to my girl while watching a blockbuster movie. I know, some of you are saying “what movie? It would depend on the movie CarlJ…” Really? (use to be me saying that…LOL) Fast forward to now, or yesterday evening to be exact, I was enjoying some scrumptious homemade chili, a game of imagineIFF and some great company. As the evening progressed and most had left the building, I remained as the Last of the Mohicans. We talked for a bit, all while deciding which show/movie to watch on Roku.

Life can be complicated. So can picking out a show to watch. Over time it became apparent that no show was forthcoming or could compete with the intense discussions we were having:

“Do you really think that Marty Mcfly went back to the future in a Delorean?”

“Of course, but without the Delorean, time travel is impossible” I would say.

While the above dialog is fictional, the conversation moved around from topic to table, earth to sun, life to love. Because of the emotional impact of our words, the air was thick and syrupy. Breathing became difficult. Being the smartest person in Santa Clarita I said “How about a walk and talk?” (I am walking a fine line with the walk and talk statement. The smartest person is of course factual…)

By now, time, always the achiever, moved progressively onward. “CarlJ, it’s almost 1:30am” I was told. And here’s the kicker. I wasn’t tired. In. The. Least. Why you quietly ask? (well you didn’t , so I asked for you, before you could say you weren’t interested – as I’m very sensitive and it would hurt my feelings. A preemptive strike in a way…smile)

But even the best of evenings must come to an close. Time teaches us these truths. But wait! I still wasn’t tired. I would normally fall asleep without even knowing it! I’m not narcoleptic, just good at falling asleep. My body was changing. With all my focus on health the last few years, my internal clocks have been reset. Although if we had watched a show, I most probably would still be there, snoring away, while the neighbors called the cops about a bear attack in the house next to them. Eek! I am very loud now and then…

Upon arriving home, my newest member of the family, (I will post pictures later) was barking and chewing my arm in delight.

“Where were you? I needed a snack. The other dogs won’t play wiff me. The cat is aloof, I don’t even know what the word “ALUFF” means. Is it a cat bark? Like “Meow, Aluff!”

My mind was racing from the evenings discussions into the wee hours of the night. Sleep was not to come for quite some time.

The moral of this diatribe? Don’t change your diet and get healthy if you want to sleep at a decent hour…

the paradox of warm chills

On December 17, 2019

The current weather forecast is something like: “Lows in the mid 30’s with highs hitting around 60”. You would think that it’s not the best weather for a quick hike on a mountain trail. And you would be wrong. Hold on there, them’s fightin’ words fer sure! Sometimes the cold spurs you on, keeping the blood from freezing or getting frostbite etc.

And you can always wear a few pairs of socks, a double jacket, warm pants and simple toasty gloves with a hat to match that keeps your head warm. Keeping the sun to your right on the way forward, to your left on the return, can also help to prevent icicles from forming and slowing you down.

But what if, just what if there was something more than sun, more than the warmth of a cozy mountain parka? More than gloves and a hat? And what if this “something” could warm you from the inside out? What if that warmth put out more therms than a toasty fireplace on a frosty winters eve? Is there such a something?

There is. And you would see this from miles away. It’s almost supernatural with the way it makes you forget it’s cold. Powerful beyond your wildest thoughts and dreams. Warmer than the surface of a star. Something so simple and true, the darkest evening wouldn’t stand a chance. Just what is this amazing and incredible “something”?

The beautiful smile of another person.

…spiritual musings

On December 16, 2019

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

On the terrace of a monastery high in the mountains, an old Buddhist Zen master stood next to a much younger monk while they both contemplated the great Void of misty space out yonder. The old monk at one point gently declared: “Ah, my son, one day all of this (Void) will be yours.”

Thought I would start off this post with a few musings. Hence the title of this post. But really, what are musings? Are they misguided attempts of possible outcomes or are they the beginning of cohesive actions. I’m not that smart when it comes to emotional or anything that requires me to empathize with another person. So that leaves out both possible answers to the above. For example take tonight. I went to a yoga class. After the way fun yoga stretches and movements (I’m just starting to feel the pain now…) we all did some meditating. You know, close your eyes, both feet planted firmly on the ground muscles relaxed, clear your mind.

About 10 minutes later they were shaking me out of my meditated state of being. Or at least that’s what they thought. During the guided meditation I had been sneaking peaks to see if the meditation was over. Mostly because of my hearing loss and when the teacher is speaking really low it’s a double whammy. When the yoga guide ended the meditation I didn’t hear her. Not even a little bit. Everyone thought I was on a spiritual plane of some sort. Little did they know…(smile)

mental status

On December 16, 2019

They say you can die just from being sad. Or from having too much anxiety. Being scared to death is another one. But what no one ever talks about is being alone. I’m not saying being alone at home while working, watching tv or shopping etc, I’m saying being alone in your head.

When I “hit the sack” in the evening, I’m alone. Not only in my head but in my home. Society has said you must have another person in your life, to share hopes and dreams, losses and gains, sadness and happiness. But what if all we’ve learned throughout our lives is crap. Or better said, total crap. For most of my teens, I have had a significant other at one time or another. And most have come and gone into my life, searching for what makes them happy. But what makes me happy?

For the last 13 years I have been alone. For those that know me, not alone in company, but in my life. Having someone to share your life with requires lot’s of interventions, compromises and love. And yet I chose to be alone during that time by letting that life continue. I let my life continue that way, thinking it’s what’s accepted in life and society. I was always waiting for something to happen that would bring that “alone-ness” to an end. You can’t force it. You can only hope for the best and have faith that it will.

Why? Well, because we are creatures of hope. Although most of us will go through life with blinders on. Like me. I have, since the very first time my dad ran over my tricycle. It was years before I found out he was medically compromised. And someday, I will post about it at length. Over the years I’ve never realized how badly I’ve been affected by my childhood and teen years. And only recently have I begun to grow and love myself again.

I am alone. But something wonderful happened a few years ago. I broke. Mentally. Since then, I have been constantly evaluating my current life. I found myself alone, again. Even more so, since I understood what love meant to me after I broke. And once again, I chose to ignore what the very fiber of my being was telling me.

WHY? Why would I want to ignore the truth before me? Would the truth be that hard to swallow? Did my truth even matter? Actually, none of the above. I choose to believe. I choose to love. I choose to trust.

Because I have faith.

words to live by

On December 15, 2019

“If you let your love of life shine brightly, you may light the way for someone who sits in the dark”.

Sent to me by my friend Carolyn. She comes up with some great one liners that girl. And she’s right. I have seen my love of life infect others. In a good way. And sometimes, it can be hard to always be cheerful. I try to be for the most part. Whenever I hear a good song or watch a great story unfold in a book or movie, the emotional impact can be overwhelming. And that’s just the way I like it…

the morning after

On December 15, 2019