They say you can die just from being sad. Or from having too much anxiety. Being scared to death is another one. But what no one ever talks about is being alone. I’m not saying being alone at home while working, watching tv or shopping etc, I’m saying being alone in your head.
When I “hit the sack” in the evening, I’m alone. Not only in my head but in my home. Society has said you must have another person in your life, to share hopes and dreams, losses and gains, sadness and happiness. But what if all we’ve learned throughout our lives is crap. Or better said, total crap. For most of my teens, I have had a significant other at one time or another. And most have come and gone into my life, searching for what makes them happy. But what makes me happy?
For the last 13 years I have been alone. For those that know me, not alone in company, but in my life. Having someone to share your life with requires lot’s of interventions, compromises and love. And yet I chose to be alone during that time by letting that life continue. I let my life continue that way, thinking it’s what’s accepted in life and society. I was always waiting for something to happen that would bring that “alone-ness” to an end. You can’t force it. You can only hope for the best and have faith that it will.
Why? Well, because we are creatures of hope. Although most of us will go through life with blinders on. Like me. I have, since the very first time my dad ran over my tricycle. It was years before I found out he was medically compromised. And someday, I will post about it at length. Over the years I’ve never realized how badly I’ve been affected by my childhood and teen years. And only recently have I begun to grow and love myself again.
I am alone. But something wonderful happened a few years ago. I broke. Mentally. Since then, I have been constantly evaluating my current life. I found myself alone, again. Even more so, since I understood what love meant to me after I broke. And once again, I chose to ignore what the very fiber of my being was telling me.
WHY? Why would I want to ignore the truth before me? Would the truth be that hard to swallow? Did my truth even matter? Actually, none of the above. I choose to believe. I choose to love. I choose to trust.
Because I have faith.