Category: events

practicing for the zombiepocalypse

Today started out as any other day. With the exception of the preparations for the coming zombieapocalypse. Maybe. I don’t know for sure. But if there is one, I want to be prepared. And to coin a recent phrase I heard “I will be prepared so you don’t have too”. Knowing I’m on the job makes you feel safe, right?

One arrow got away from me, mostly because the zombie was messing with my head. Looking at me. Daring me. Confusing me. In the end though, during the Zen moment when the arrow and me become one with the universe, I wiped the smile right off it’s face! Take that – zombie zombie bo bombie, banana-fanna bo-fombie, fee-fi-mo-mombie, zom-bie. (just saying…little happy dance!)

Tonight I will finally be able to rest, knowing my training is progressing quite well. Or indoctrination. Or brainwashing. That’s what the leader keeps saying, during the photo-strobe while I’m strapped to a chair in a dark room watching images of zombies flash on the projector screen. Eek!

Hope you sleep well this evening. I might wait a bit until the tick under my right eye settles down…

Bonus Music Section: I’m a Zombie

I'm a zombie
(c) 2015 carl jasper hoffman : jascar music


I woke up this morning alone in my bed
I smelled something awful, I smelled something dead
I looked in the mirror my head was a mess
my clothes were all torn I did not look my best


I'm a zombie, you can't tell me otherwise
I'll show you, I'll poke out my eyes
I'm a zombie, this isn't a clever disguise
just pull on my arm for a big surprise


I tried to eat breakfast but something was wrong
my stomach was craving a nice bloody blond
I went to the market to get a raw steak
then some sheriff shot me, I could not catch a break



when the sun is going down
you need to hide, to not be found
I'm just another  pretty face
that wants to eat you, without a plate

if there's anything you've learned
set me on fire and watch me burn
or I'll come right back for you
a little crispy through and through



up north again

Once again out of town for a few days. And guess what I found? Yep. You guys are so freaking smart it blows me away. Mushrooms. Amazing how they just grow when you least expect it. Or should I chalk that up to nature? Always letting things grow in the world. Eh, who would have thunk? Nature, maybe?

Well, I came across what looks like a puffball! Yay! But, upon closer examination was a lookalike. Puffballs have no stems and when I turned this one over before slicing down the middle, yep, you are correct, a stem. And gills. So eating this one would be the demise of Carl Jasper. And I have plenty of other ways to expire before succumbing to a lookalike. Geesh.

Then I found this group of shrooms, all huddled together. Haven’t identified them as of yet, but they sure are cuties! I could just snuggle up to them. Or not. Still deciding.

And of course this post wouldn’t be complete without a few photos of this beautiful property I was staying at.

The atmosphere of the place is intoxicating. When I finally relax and catch my breath there will be more posts coming up! Rules you know.




the evening forecast

We all know about weather forecasts. We’ve read astrological ones. Stock market predications and crop forecasts. Betting predictions on just about everything! The list continues and never seems to stop. But I have a brand new forecast. One that has been attempted before, no doubt, just never before with the precision and dedication it deserves.

The Evening Forecast

Yep. Such a seemingly simple idea and so amazingly brilliant, I can hear the rush to jump on this band wagon. Forget all the forecasts above, even the ones not mentioned. THIS forecast is the only one you will ever need.

Why? How can The Evening Forecast be so powerful and mysterious, emotional and foretelling, satisfying and nurturing? How can this one forecast be so wonderful as to replace all others? What gives power to this forecast to replace some that have been going for years if not centuries?

Today I have read the money markets, the horoscopes for capricorns, the weather predictions for the US and the world. And yet they all pale in comparison to the evening forecast. The only one you’ll ever need. And how does the Evening Forecast work? What’s so darn special about it? I’ll tell you…but first send $29.95 to the address listed in this post…(nah, just had to throw that one in…smile)

Instead of continuing into the ethereal network of the universe, I’ll give you today’s evening forecast, something for you to chew on.

Eat homemade sauerkraut.

The beauty of that is you can also eat some tomorrow evening and the next. You can look back and see that you’ve eaten some in the past. You now have the past, present and future pretty much covered! Tomorrows forecast? The same! Yes. I know, brilliant of course. Simplicity in it’s finest. Just one of the many hats I wear. Doing my job.

Tonights forecast is?

puppy day!

Today. Is. Puppy. day. Yay!.

All these questions I have! Will I feed her good? Will I take care of her when she’s sick? Will I teach her not to buy anything from door to door salespeople and not to turn on my computer and email her cousins or shop amazon for biscuits? I have more questions than answers at the moment.

Personal questions: am I taking on too much responsibility, given that I may no longer be a California resident soon? Can I integrate her safely with my existing entourage of geriatric critters? And most importantly, does she like watching the updated Netflix series, “Lost in Space”?

I sit while drinking a special coffee blend, eating a piece of sourdough toast with sauerkraut on top (among other toppings as well) while savoring a ChoZero bar, thinking, “why”?

Have I lost my mind? Does the sun rise or the earth spin? Will Walmart ever carry ChoZero? Do cannibals use toothpicks after eating their best friends? Long ago I would have thrown caution to the wind and jumped right into a new member of the family. Instead, being the cautious worry toad that I am, I spent about 60 seconds before jumping in while I contemplated the above meanderings.

With all the worry and doubts I have about this, the frantic pacing back and forth, to and fro, with my mind racing faster than a formula one speedster, I realize something huge. Something I said in an earlier post. That something clears all the cobwebs and doubts from my confused and cluttered brain. The answer is because…

…because I have faith.

…once upon a

Pot luck. You probably thought I was going to say something else, right? A few nights ago I went to a pot luck dinner. The food was great, the company fabulous and the atmosphere festive. I was having a great time until I noticed there was no garlic anywhere. In fact, all the mirrors had been removed. And the steak was a little bloody. Can you say “vampires”?

Some people say I have an over-active imagination. I say maybe, or perhaps not. Even if my imagination was a little wacky, it’s hard to ignore the facts. So, I asked the second person I was introduced too.

“Hi, very nice to meet you…ARE YOU A VAMPIRE?” I said not being the kind of person that holds things inside.

“Uh, you’re the second person that’s asked me this evening!”

WOW! There was someone else at the pot luck with the same thought as me. I spent the rest of the evening trying to find this mysterious party goer. I learned my lesson though. Always come prepared with one or two contingencies in case you come face to face with a vampire at a pot luck

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