Leap day. Once every 4 years. Can be one of those days that mischievous things occur. Or not. Take for example this leap year. I received a letter from my imaginary friend. Apparently, in prison now for a crime that wasn’t committed by them. And since that’s what everyone says once convicted and sentenced (some unjustly!) I am posting the letter in it’s entirety. You will be the judge this time…
Dear Carl Jasper,
I know it’s been awhile since we’ve talked, but really it’s been an amazing year. Although not without its share of downers. Today is Leap Year Day. Woohoo! Which is when all my troubles began 4 years ago on this very day. Un-WooHoo…
I was minding my own business at the bank withdrawing some cash when this guy comes running up to me, hands me a duffel bag, puts a rifle in my arms and says “I’ll be right back, please hang onto this for me”.
He ran out the front door with a duffel that looked just like the one he left with me. I started running after him when all hell broke loose. The next moment I was on the floor, having been tackled by 6 officers and this lady, knocking the wind out of me. I was then arrested for robbing the bank. Can you imagine it? Me robbing a bank. Well, they expedited my hearing before the judge, mostly because there were plans for the interior of the bank in my apt and a few masks. Can you say FOIA? I’m entitled to know where my money is being kept, don’t you agree? And the masks were because I’m afraid of germs. They’re everywhere you know.
Coincidentally, they were the same masks worn by the bank robbers. I mean, come-on, right now everyone in China is wearing a mask. Are they bank robbers too? And the DNA evidence from the masks recovered match mine apparently. One of the robbers kissed me briefly which I believe is where the DNA came from. Even without that, the robbers all had tattoos that looked like mine! Can you say “Framed???”
During lockup at county, a snitch told the detectives assigned to the case, I was bragging about a bank job. Of course I was! I work for a contractor and recently submitted a bid that was accepted. I now see how easy it is for law enforcement to twist your words. Geesh. My lawyer wasn’t any help either. He advised me to take a plea deal of 5 years. Mostly because the gunshot residue on my hands matched the kind used during the heist. “UM, HELLO?!”, I told them I was at the gun range, target shooting earlier in the day and all they did was smile, like I was lying or something.
I hope this letter gets to you, I had to give up a carton of smokes to a guard to mail it. Leap day is no longer my favorite day. I know, maybe I’m being a little harsh, but hey, prison?
I will be getting out soon. My cellmate has connections to a person building a tunnel. Oh! Not here at the prison, ah, I mean a tunnel in Mexico! Whew, don’t want to be misunderstood again on leap day…!
Stay cool, because you’re the coolest person I know. Miss ya,
There you have have it. Another reason to fear Leap Day. Perhaps this is a lesson to be learned by all. There are mysteries in the world that haven’t been explained or discovered as of yet. I would type more but I’m off to the post office to send more cartons to my friend. Another mystery that baffles me is the cost of smokes. It’s mostly 80% fees and taxes that go to the government. But that’s a good reason to fear governments in general, everyday. Legalized theft!